I woke up with half a cold this morning - the left side of my body is screaming at me to go back to bed while the right side of my body merrily consumes mass quantities of caffeine. I've been taking thousands of mg of Vit C and my throat still feels like it's about to acheive sentience and walk away. Also, I may have a fever. You get delusions of grandeur when you have a fever, right? Oh, no, that's regular delusions. NEVER MIND.
Anyway, I went and (using a mirror) gazed into my own lovely, albeit gaping, maw. Self-diagnosis FOR THE WIN. Unfortunately, all I could see was that my throat was extremely red (my throat is ALWAYS RED) and also there is something white back there. Immediate conclusion? Throat lice. Do I gargle turpentine now? That's what the school nurse used.
Also, this brings up an interesting point in my mind: why do we inevitably look in the mirror to try and see WHY our throats hurt? I do this every time, and my throat always, invariably, looks like a throat. I guess I'm half expecting to see a tumor, or an open wound, or knives or something back there, but nope. How unsatisfying.
Off to gargle with salt water and then maybe slip into a coma, Binah the Bold
Okay, now you're probably asking, "WHY, IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING, WOULD YOU READ A BOOK THAT GOT THAT REVIEW?!" To which I say, "You forgot to turn CapsLock off."
Also, because I have a secret weakness. I adore (HA IT'S A PUN) bad books and movies. Once it crosses the entertainment spectrum from Good to Terrible and just keeps going until it arrives back at - if not Good - Entertaining, I MUST HAVE IT. Well, experience it. I wouldn't pay money for it. And luckily for me, The Snark has the same weakness.
She also has more money than I do.
So we decided to challenge ourselves. She bought four of the absolute worstromancenovels we could find.
I finished reading Decadent last week and it was HILARIOUS. Read the review on SmartBitches. The book is even funnier. I think the best analogy I could figure for it was a re-imagining of this classic Reese's Cups commercial:
[Both walk along, reading books. They turn the corner and bump into one another. The books go flying and the pages get mixed up.] Man:(angrily) You got plot in my porn! Woman:(also angrily) You got porn in my plot! Both:(reading) Euuugh. (Making disgusted faces.)
SO... yeah. That happened.
Now I'm reading Adora. And this book is infuriating. If you read the review, you'll get an idea why, but here's what really actually made me mad: this book glorifies rape. The first sex scene that isn't rape is halfway through the book. The only man who doesn't rape her every time they have sex gets killed. Her "true love" rapes her, then buys her as a slave, then rapes her again. And she still loves him. Love being in giant quotation marks here.
So anyway, page 253, I give up. This is the first book I've started that I literally could not finish (except for The Fellowship of the Ring and seriously, I was ten when I tried to read it, so lay off).
So I saw The Tourist on New Year's Day. (Don't worry, someone else paid.)
This movie is silly.
The whole reason we ended up seeing it is because a) it was The Tourist or Little Fockers and I'm sorry Ben Stiller, IT'S OVER and b) The Survivalist likes movies with guns.
The plot: Okay, you guys, there is literally nothing I can say about the plot without spoiling it because if you have ANY INKLING AT ALL what the movie is about, there you go. You're spoiled. Look at the poster up there. SPOILED. Five minutes into the movie, The Survivalist (who is notorious for, when a movie is playing, asking continuously, "What's going on?" "Who's the good guy?" and "I don't get it!") told me how it would end. And he was right. What the hell.
So if you don't mind HIGHLY VAGUE and UNOBTRUSIVE spoilers, here's a smallish plot summary.
*Ahem* Angelina Jolie is in Paris, even though she is British. The French, who are being run by Scotland Yard, have her under surveillance 24/7, because her ex-boyfriend, Alexander Somethingorother, stole huge sums of money from a British mobster, then disappeared. Angie gets a letter from Alex saying, basically, "I'm sorry, I love you, get on Train X and find a guy who you can fool the cops into thinking is me. P.S. Burn this letter." If you guessed that Johnny Depp is the poor schmuck she frames as Alex, YOU ARE RIGHT. Wacky hijinks ensue.
Wacky hijinks here include: Brits being extremely British, every cliche you can imagine, a scary mobster with Russian goons, comically inept everyone except the main characters (and even that's in question) and a BOAT CHASE SCENE. THROUGH THE CANALS OF VENICE. YOU GUYS I AM NOT KIDDING.
So, worth seeing if you get someone else to pay for it. Also, Johnny Depp (who still sways like Jack Sparrow for some reason).